Independent without Them.

The internet line was down when I typed this down. So I decided to proceed typing in the Notepad. Words do not come easily, while it is there, don't hesitant to note it down, as you may not have the chance to remember the important bits you need to keep, later on.

When I first started talking to Elfa, my senior Real Estate agent, we had a formal conversation, more on the Selayang18 Residences available units for our agency to sell, like the tenure, Sell & Purchase agreement, the developer's discounts and all. I tagged along with her, as I was just about to begin my journey in this property business, I think learning from the seniors is the initial step for me to build my fundamental.

Our conversation became warmer as we chatted longer. She asked if I want to follow her to Melawati to make newspaper ads for Astana Kemensah (her another home listing for sale).I agreed. Then she asked where I'm from. I started to  tell that I used to live with my grandmother in Kulai and is here in KL as a tenant along with my childhood friend in Kg Baru. She did pulling her curious face, wanting to know why I used to live with my grandma.

"Where's your parents?" she asked.

"Passed away, Elfa."

"Both?"

I nodded.

"Your siblings? Why don't you live with them?"

"I don't have any."

At that very instant she caressed my hands.

"What an independent person you are!"

I smiled.

For that short moment I realised, I've reached this phase of life this far, without my parents.
I forget how it feels like, living with them, as I used to live by my own nowadays.
I don't remember how our phone conversations used to be.
I don't remember how celebrating Raya with them.
I just forgotten how everything goes along without them.

But deep inside I always know, though they are now in another phase of lives, the barzakh, I know they are 'living' well, in Allah's mercy and blessings. I know Allah will reward them the highest of rewards for being such awesome parents. Exemplary parents. I know, my parents blessings are with me.

Where do I gain my strength and motivation to keep on living?
Knowing my parents are now in much better place.
And I just have to live well, with the right goal in life to get prepared to meet them in another better place, where they are now in.

Alhamdulillah for the blessings of having great parents like they are.
InsyaAllah I will strive in this life for the Afterlife, with the goals to be reunited with them, my beloved parents in the highest of Jannah.

Ameen.

What I Have & How I Appreciate.


"Let It Go"

From walking home and talking loads
To seeing shows in evening clothes with you
From nervous touch and getting drunk
To staying up and waking up with you

But now we're slipping at the edge
Holding something we don't need
All this delusion in our heads
Is gonna bring us to our knees

So come on, let it go
Just let it be
Why don't you be you
And I'll be me?
Everything that's broke
Leave it to the breeze
Why don't you be you
And I'll be me?
And I'll be me

From throwing clothes across the floor
To teeth and claws and slamming doors at you
If this is all we're living for
Why are we doing it, doing it, doing it anymore?

I used to recognize myself
It's funny how reflections change
When we're becoming something else
I think it's time to walk away

So come on, let it go
Just let it be
Why don't you be you
And I'll be me?
Everything that's broke
Leave it to the breeze
Why don't you be you
And I'll be me?
And I'll be me

Trying to fit your hand inside of mine
When we know it just don't belong
There's no force on earth
Could make it feel right, no

Whoa

Trying to push this problem up the hill
When it's just too heavy to hold
Think now's the time to let it slide

So come on, let it go
Just let it be
Why don't you be you
And I'll be me?
Everything that's broke
Leave it to the breeze
Let the ashes fall
Forget about me

Come on, let it go
Just let it be
Why don't you be you
And I'll be me?
And I'll be me

Really, how much I love this song, I don't want my love story to end up hopelessly. There are always ways to mend relationship, don't concludes and breaks the bond of two connected hearts. I will always love this song as a strong reminder.

I don't wanna be me and you being you. I want you and I to be just "us".


Loser.

Sometimes you just don't understand what's happening on you.

It's my second day now sitting like a dumb in this National Library and trying so hard to keep doing things that I obliged to do, but just can't find the right rhythm. I am trying like few months already. Not few months, to be exact it has been more than six months. I'm not just sit there and mourn, but I really did push myself, kicking my ass to finish what am I starting, but I just don't know what's wrong with me, I am still struggling so hard until the moment I'm typing this.

I know I was born for not being a quitter. But after graduated, my life has been in such a mess. I blame myself for not having proper vision, having no goals in what should I do next. I am at this stage where I face my mid twenty crisis. It really is currently a crisis to me. I don't know what the hell am I doing, what do I want in life, how should I live, what should I really be doing. I no longer think I manage myself to be independent anymore. When I started doing something, I failed to finish it. I do things halfway and dumped them, then repeat doing new kindof things and left, again. 

For the very first time in my life, I feel in a total mess, haywire. I discard myself, I really don't have any idea where am I standing right now and what am I doing here, right in this moment?

Should I just quit, again? I am really exhausted, I'm drained, serious talk. 

I feel like a loser.




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