Berkecamuk.

So yeah, it's Friday. 

Now I'm in that situation that I don't know what to think, how to live, what to expect, what to bla bla bla. Really. Entah la. My mind just in its blankest state of mind.

I'm so freakingly miss my parents. Rindu nak mampus kt mak ayah. Rindu sampai tahap aku mula buat perangai aku duduk kt bucu katil, peluk lutut sendiri, pretend aku peluk diorang la kononnya ke entah apa perangai aku pun taktau. Menggigil-gigil la sampai nak tahan air mata tapi tak berjaya. Last2nya peluk la lutut tu, menangis senyap-senyap. I'm not exaggerating. Memang bila aku terlampau down, aku memang lari bucu kati dan peluk lutut. Seriously, I'm not joking. Jarang buat perangai tu. So it really is when I can't no longer handle myself.

I really am having a hard time pursuing my Masters studies. Dari berita sakit itu la sakit ini lah, sampai nak kena schedule operation in these few months to go, then sampai laptop, handphone segala mak nenek barang, database master dlm beg kena kebas dalam kereta masa bulan puasa, that I need to recover balik everything sampai kena extend Master ni. With elaun yg nak expired dah. I need to ASAP cari kerja to sustain Master studies ni. Terpaksa convert ke part time ke nak berhenti belajar terus ke macamana ke. 

Sampai kisah 'putus cinta' yg sampai sekarang aku taktau macamana nak fix keadaan balik asal. Like seriously aku tak sangka jugak dengan apa yang aku buat, menyakiti orang segala. Katanya suka fikir orang dulu, tapi tengok gaya apa yang aku buat, macam memang tak pernah fikir perasaan orang langsung pun. I've broken a 'family' tie, you know? I am already attached with his family, especially ummi. Apart of deciding that aku bukan untuk dia, part hubungan dengan mak dia tu, it's a real deal. Aku rindu Ummi walaupun bukan mak aku. Then aku kena faham, aku akan rasa super awkward kalau aku buat macam takde apa-apa. The thing is, I think I need to give him space and time to heal, but actually aku yang perlukan semua tu. It's heartbreaking bila fikir apa ummi dia rasa. Serious besar impact bab ummi tu pada aku. I feel like I'm offending my own mom dengan suddenly decide to call it quits between me and her son. Rasa macam tak kenang budi pun ada juga. Banyak gila dah dia dan keluarga dia tolong aku, bagi aku banyak pengajaran bermakna dalam hidup ni. Seriously aku sayang the whole family. Dari dia, mak ayah dia sampai ke adik-beradik dia. Rasa macam keluarga sendiri. What the hell am I thinking all these years? Hmmm. Aku harap mereka maafkan kesalahan aku. Banyak bersedih aku lately sebab ni.

In few years time lagi, I might get infected by a serious disease. Doc just bagi situation yang mungkin dalam beberapa tahun lagi aku boleh kena. The real deal is, whether my other half can stand it with me. I know Abie dah gone through so much, and I have to admit despite distance and time, the feelings is the same, still there, still remain. And apa yang membuatkan aku decide apa yang aku decide sekarang, is thinking that during my hard times, he endured it with me. Choosing him is actually because I believe, in few years time, bila aku sakit, bila mood swing aku bermacam yang maha dahsyat, dengan all those ugly flaws yang aku bakal ada, he'll always stay. Dan bukan sebab aku tahu dia tahan dengan aku je, tapi sebab strong feelings we have towards each other pun. We're gonna live with each other for the rest of our lives, insyaAllah, jadi being there for each other adalah sangat penting. 

Caca-marba apa aku tulis kali ni. Tak macam selalu, paling kurang ada plot tersusun sikit. Ni bahasa pun tunggang-langgang. Content apa aku nak tulis pun macam tak berapa sync. It really shows how miserable my mind is right now. Orang kata kadang-kadang rasa down, taktau nak buat apa tu perkara biasa. Let's just hope this one won't last for too long.

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