Is this a bad idea at the first place?

I have always been feeling superior of myself. Bukan rasa diri bagus, tapi rasa aku nak sentiasa jadi yang terbaik. Always. Have high expectations, over-dreaming, over-achieving. Semua benda nak buat sampai over. Bila goals tak achieve, I feel devastated. Macam kau terbang tinggi melangit, tiba-tiba jatuh terhempas.

I am a damn hard tryer. Aku nampak laidback, macam selamba, but I am actually have this constant battle with myself, struggling to be the best, in every aspects. In relationships & life. Aku sentiasa nak my partner feels I am worth keeping. He'll never going to find anyone else better than I am. Aku make sure, he'll never get any replacement as he will feel more than enough of having me.

That's where the problem lies.

Bila dah dibesarkan sebagai anak tunggal, rasa superior tu sebati. Tak sedar dah jadi superior dalam diri sendiri. 

Dari seusia yang sangat muda lagi, aku dah prepare diri aku jauh kedepan. Bila aku in a committed relationship dengan seseorang, aku over confident. Aku lupa hati ni milik siapa. Aku lupa Dia yang di atas sana tu yang pegang hati aku ni. Dia berkuasa nak membolak-balikkan hati manusia. Aku rasa memang dah nature diri aku, aku akan terlalu serius in relationship. Whoever is with me, kat mata aku ni dah nampak he's the only one, he's confirmed to be my other half for the rest of my life. I am too confident.

Ikutkan this is not the very first time though, I made a steel heart of a man attached to me, then all of a sudden, I make a U-turn, I changed directions, leaving a man with his heart attached to me, behind. This isn't the very first time! Tapi kenapa aku masih ulang-ulang, running in circles, doing the very same thing with a different man? 

I claimed to be heartbroken each time, 
After quite some looooonggg time,
I've made a wrong decision, I say. 
I don't think he's going to bear it with me along the way, 
I think people gonna leave me at the end in any way,
I fear of rejection later on, but I am the one who rejects,
I am the one who leaves,
I am the one who breaks hearts,
I am the one who walks away, tearing people into pieces.
I destructs, never builds,
What I know is thinking of myself,
Fearing something only in my mind,
Thinking too deep, worrying too much.

After months of getting back again with the man I've ever been with and separated, the one who I needed and always need, I had an argument yesterday. My habit of making crazy assumptions in my own head struck again. I started arguing. I started questioning. I started provoking. He, who knows me well, trying to keep his patience, replying my texts but keeping it in low keys, when I sent dangerous questions, he's just trying to comfort me with his assuring words. He managed to tone me down. 

But then, this line popped out;
"I noticed something. Sejak we've been back together."

Then he paused. And topics were changed afterwards.

I, who started to recovering my senses, taknak continue provoking although those lines of 'noticing something' tu sangat fishy on me. Now and ever, aku mula assume balik dalam kepala. I know, assumptions is unhealthy. But hmmm.

"Notice something of what?"
"Is he starting to feel distrust?"
"Is starting back again with him is a bad idea?"
"Is he gonna leave? Are we going to make this through?"
"What am I thinking?"
"Am I being too hesitant making important decisions of my life?"

To be honest, I have that phobia. I noticed, he is having it too. Because I know he is having the same phobia, I am trying to be the one who is always assuring to him, "We're going to be just fine." We have that bitter history of not surviving our relationship, both with high egos and own prides. Keeping things to ourselves as secrets. Now that we are getting back together again, those fear seems flushed away, but you know, it actually is NOT.

He once said, he's afraid of marriage. 

I think he is afraid of it might not turn out well. We might ends up as failure, again. You know, when a man and a woman shares a feeling, they tend to feel insecure that they will unable to be the best as partners. Because that's how we are. I always have that "obliged-feelings" to be the best to my other half, the best supporter, the one who is there all the time, the one who will cheer for his happiness. Even when I was in my previous relationship with previous man, I tried so hard to prove that I was the best partner, but it just didn't end up well between us.

With him now, the current man, who has the same thoughts and empathy as I am. Quite often I feel his worrisome, deep concern to serve the best of him in this relationship. We are both vulnerable partners to each other. Hard tryers. This does not feel good, though. This feeling of being "not good enough as the other half" should be deleted from our hearts if we want to make this through this time.

We're 25 now, not in that "time bracket" to feel so insecure to each other anymore. It's time to get serious, but not too serious as it will just hurt more than soothes. Though I still haven't recover from my past relationship with that previous man, though I still feel that "deep guilt", I should be continue living and move on. 

Like how my man always say, 
"Until when should you be feeling this way?"
"Sampai bila nak sedih macam ni."
"I am here."

I know he's hurting too, though he's not telling it, I can see it through his eyes. 
Sometimes I just wonder, 
"What is there in me that he loves me this much?" 
"How can he be so supportive to be leaned on?"
"How he do it? How he mend his own heart when I was not even there to heal it for him?"
"How on Earth his past six years were without me?"
"How strong he is, for accepting me, his source of sadness, to be his future happiness?"
"How can I ever let go of this man, who has done so much in silence, who touches my heart without actually placing effort?"

To the man of my past, from the bottom of my heart I ask for your forgiveness for making such a mess I shouldn't be making. I know it is damn hard to walk alone. I know the pain so well, yet damage is already done. I am truly sorry. Thank you for all of your concerns and cares that I can not repay with anything in this world. Kindness that I can't compare with words.

To the man of my future, thank you for having the strength to forget our bitter past and start anew. Sorry for being so vulnerable that I always risk us at the brink of useless arguments and complex thoughts. Bear with me, please. I just want us to make this through,

Please, Ida. Promise this is the last time you're typing shits and worrisome. Get going now, c'mon!


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